Wednesday, July 28, 2010

On Fear

I have it.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I couldn't start Bikram Yoga for a bit while the rush of other Groupon buyers clogged up the schedule. Surely it's died down some by now, but I find myself terrified to call and book my first appointment. Yes, I had an unrelated heat stroke almost three years ago. Yes, when I tried it again two years ago, the teacher was a jerk and it made for a terrible experience. I cannot let those two things hold me back now. I am healthier and stronger than I was then. My energy levels have been so low lately that I know I need this. If it proves to be another terrible experience I can choose not to return. There is no reason not to try it again. I think I am also fearing all of the hard work still left ahead and see the return to Bikram as the beginning of that journey. I worked so hard for a whole year, but yet I still have a long way to go to tone and lose the last of the jiggle. It's an overwhelming and exhausting thought. What am I more afraid of-failing at it or truly achieving optimal fitness and not knowing where to go from there. I'm so profound right now my brain hurts :)
Due to bad weather and planning, the swimming scene of the indie I am shooting was cut. So, I got off the hook so to speak. Being filmed in a swim suit would have been such a big step in bravery and confidence. However, a friend is having a birthday lake/beach soiree on Saturday which presents the first of my opportunities to actually be in a public setting in my bikini. Although I will be surrounded by people that love me at any size and will think nothing of my bikini wearing (because many don't read this blog), I am still very nervous. Logically I know that is so silly. I really do. I think there will always be a 12 year old BB30 inside me that fears her measurement on the Richter Scale will be shouted out for all the world to hear when she jumps into the water. Thank you wretched 6th grade boys for doing that. I hope your babies look like monkeys....monkeys that get taunted at the pool. I also hope you are bald now.

Self care is an ongoing project and process, but I shall prevail!


  1. I know *exactly* how you feel. But here's my remedy (and its not easy, but 100% necessary): Do exactly what you fear most. Just DO it. Get it done, and then its done, and you'll see how unscary it really was. How actually liberating and confidence building it was. And you'll want to do more things that make you fearful... because you'll want to conquer them all!
    Go for it, babycake. I'm behind you to catch if you fall :)

  2. you look so great. you have no reason to fear. just know that i support you 100%. i think you are wonderful and beautiful!